Some people, especially those coming to uni from single-sex schools, will fall ‘in love’ with the first members of the opposite sex that they meet. Lacking the experience built up in the co-ed playground and poised uncomfortably on the edge of adulthood, these vulnerable single-sexers will form a a teenage puppy-dog crush with grown-up intensity, untempered by the cheery fickleness of youth.
This rarely ends well, and nor does it end soon, because one of the defining features of the oxmoronic ‘serious crush’ is that it will run and run, often in the face of rejection and even cruelty. The whole thing will be very tedious and draining for the target and all your mutual friends, so here is some advice which might help you conduct yourself more nobly when fancying people.
- Everyone is friendly and affectionate at uni. Just because someone is nice to you does not mean you must be in love with them.
- If someone has a boy/girlfriend, you might want to protect your heart and not fancy them. Fancy someone available instead. And, if this person then becomes single and STILL doesn’t seek you out to go out with, take this as an indication that they aren’t interested in you.
- If someone mothers you, they will never fancy you. You can help prevent this scenario from arising by being less needy in general.
- If you are unrequitedly in love with someone, don’t go and complain about it to their friends, telling them not to tell your desired mutual friend. This puts them in an awkward position. Have some tact and find someone unrelated to complain to.
- Be aware that some people have real problems. They will be sympathetic to your mild romantic problems because they are kind people, but there will come a point when it is incredibly inappropriate for you to be whispering damply about your infatuation while they have genuine troubles to deal with.
- If someone isn’t interested in you, move on. Of course this won’t happen instantly, but you can help yourself by NOT hanging around them all the time, watching them with their boy/girlfriend and talking about them with your friends.
- Never put all your feelings into a letter and then send it to them. You may feel like the victim in this tragic love affair, but you should remember that this is a passing crush and that it is your (sg.) problem, not your (pl.) problem. Also, though this may be hard to believe until you’ve experienced it for yourself, it is HARD being the rejector: you have to cope with feeling bad about being unable to reciprocate and create a happy ending as well as having to endure whatever exhausting chats you insist on having with them. Don’t compound their suffering by sharing your feelings further in a letter.
For some genuinely useful advice on avoiding romantic catastrophe before you even start, I would recommend reading Dr Nerdlove’s blog.
