I thought that my article last year on how to secretly drink less would be pooh-poohed as lame, but in fact I received a lot of positive feedback. One friend added his own take on the subject at the bottom of my article, and another beckoned me to his side one evening and slurred confidently that he had PLENTY more to add because I hadn’t even begun to deal with the more advanced, high-pressure scenarios where the protagonist might intend to drink rather more than in my article, while still remaining alive. Since I avoid such scenarios (see my introduction to drinking) I agreed that his perspective would be a useful one, and he sent me the following guide the next day.
This guide should not be read as glamourising dangerous drinking, and I am including it on my site because I think if you are going to drink to excess anyway, you might as well have access to some tips for damage-limitation. You should never feel pressurised into drinking too much, and you must always be careful not to damage your health. Remember: it’s fun up to the point where someone gets alcohol poisoning.
by Jez
One thing you may decide to do when you start uni is to sign up with various societies. You may also decide to go on socials with these groups. If you do, and this applies particularly to sports teams, it is highly likely that drinking games will be played, and while these can prove thoroughly entertaining they can also lead to you drinking more than you want. What follows is a list of common practices designed to help you, should you wish, avoid drinking too much on these occasions. My advice is straightforward and can be summed up in three simple words: Know The Rules.
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N.B. Each society or sports team will have different rules. I do not profess to know every rule that every society or sports team will use, but this guide should give you a bit of a head start at least. Throughout this article, the word “fine” means a drinking fine (usually two fingers of your drink).
Rule 1.
Do not be late, for we start early, before the evening has begun. Almost every social I went to at uni had fines for lateness. The standard fine was a pint/whatever you were drinking if you were a girl; it could be less or more (generally by adding a shot to your pint). The definition of lateness also varies, the most common being by a set time (either the start time or within 5-10 minutes).
Beware the more severe establishments: sports clubs (particularly rugby clubs) often employ stricter rules, such as if more than x number of people have sat down before you are stood at the bar then you are late. Find out how lateness is defined and ensure you are not late: having a pint head start on everyone else is not a good way to start the evening.
Rule 2.
Coaching. Learning the rules can be made more difficult by the coaching rule. What this means is that no one can explain the rules without incurring a fine. This will mean that people are unwilling to explain to you what you are doing wrong and why you are having to drink so much. If there is a explanation of the rules before a game starts, pay attention and remember the rules, as they will probably not be explained again.
Rule 3.
Left/wrong hand drinking. This is a very common one. Clubs will often have a rule that you have to drink with your left/wrong hand. If you are left handed you can use this to your advantage by not telling anyone and drinking left handed without fear of incurring fines.
I would advise against claiming to be left handed if you are not, as it’s not unheard of for handwriting tests to be used to determine if the claim is legitimate. Instead, I would advise always drinking left handed so that it becomes natural.
Rule 4.
Thumb/finger rule. This is another common one: the rule is that your drink must be further than a thumb/finger from the edge of the table. If someone else (and it is their thumb/finger length that counts) can move your drink with their finger/thumb (from the edge of the table) then you incur a fine. The safest thing to do here is to put your drink in the middle of the table.
Rule 5.
Double parking . This is also very common. You are only allowed to have one drink at a time. If you have more than one you must drink (quickly and immediately) all of your other drinks until you only have one left.
Rule 6.
No pointing. You cannot point with your finger and must instead point with your fist/elbow. This can be avoided by pointing with your fist/elbow at all times (you may look a little silly but you will not be fined).
Rule 7.
Double tap. Whenever you finish a drink you must double tap the empty glass/bottle. The tap can be anywhere (forehead/arm/hand/table/chair/someone else) but it must be done and in a noticeable way. However, do not be too enthusiastic; if you break anything you will probably be fined.
I know people who have this so ingrained that they still do this in restaurants with water glasses.
Rule 8.
Empty vessel: the counterpart to double tap. You cannot put an empty vessel directly on the table. Therefore you must either leave some drink in the glass or put the glass on something else on the table (such as a coaster).
Rule 9.
Acceptance. Obscure but tricky. You cannot accept anything that is offered to you. For instance, if someone has bought you a pint you cannot take it from their hand. Instead, ask them to put it on the table. Once they have let go of the glass you can then pick it up. This is a particularly effective rule when playing the Matchbox Game or Arrogance (see below).
Rule 10.
Forbidden words. Certain words may be forbidden. Common are “drink”, “glass”, “finger(s)”, and numbers (“one, two”, etc). Instead, you have to use synonyms: beverage, vessel, digit, couple, couple of couples, few etc.
Rule 11.
Moving drinks. You are not allowed to move anything on the table without taking a drink from it. Think of it as the touch rule from chess applied to drinking games.
TWO USEFUL GAMES TO KNOW
Matchbox game
This is a very common game. You have to throw a matchbox over your pint and get it to land on its ends or sides. If you land it on its side then two fingers go onto the matchbox, on its end (more difficult) four fingers. These accumulate until someone does not manage to land the matchbox on its sides or ends, at which point they have to drink the number of fingers on the matchbox.
If you have to play this game do not, under any circumstances, do any of the following:
- Take the matchbox from someone else if the acceptance rule applies
- Throw the matchbox off the table (pint fine)
- Land the matchbox in a drink (finish that drink)
- Sit next to someone who is good at matchbox game.
This last one will be difficult the first few times you play but you will quickly learn who is good and who is not. Sit next to people who are bad at the game and you should be fine.
Arrogance
An empty pint glass is passed around the table with a coin. You pour as much or as little into the glass as you like and then toss the coin, calling heads or tails. If your call is correct, the glass passes on. If your call is wrong, you drink what is in the glass. Again, do not accept the coin from someone, toss the coin off the table or into someone’s drink. Avoid playing this game if you can. If you can’t, hope for the best.
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This is not an exhaustive guide, but as I say, it should give you a bit of a head start. The best advice I can give for drinking games is know the rules and pay attention. Games such as 20 plus 1, yee-haa, one frog, tico-taco, bunnies, buzz and many more are very simple provided you pay attention to what is going on. Also, though I’ve never managed it, try to avoid doing stupid things that will stick in the memory.
Finally, never go out for your birthday with a sports club. They will club together and buy you half a pint of mixed shots which you are expected to drink. Go out with your friends, they will get you hammered but also look after you and ensure you survive.
Did Jez leave out any crucial rules? Let us know in the comments below!
