What Emma Learned

or, How to tell if someone fancies you or would otherwise be interested in a shag and what to do about it

It’s all very well scrambling around like an idiot trying to convince someone to fancy you, but, to be honest, it’s not my style. It almost always leads to disappointment, and if I’d spent the last four years doing that I wouldn’t be the cool, confident Tom Jones I am today. It’s far more rewarding to get good at working out who already fancies you or might otherwise be interested in a shag, and then squeezing every last drop of potential out of it.

The good news is that most of you will be pleasantly surprised at just how many people ARE interested on some level, without you needing to do anything except opening your doors up to possibility! However, I do concede that, out of everyone, ugly males have it particularly tough and they’re probably better off resorting to obnoxious tenacity and a well-advertised never-say-no policy, or perhaps becoming a stand-up comedian. But for everyone else, both men and women, I recommend you forget the ones who aren’t interested, and learn how to draw out and encourage the ones who are.

It’s all to do with one-on-one conversations. Your job is to give off that air of possibility, that odourless pheromone that says, “Who knows? We might just fall in love tonight.” From there, the trick is to mirror the equivalent level of interest and, with any luck, this will slowly intensify. To start with, appear as though the other person really intrigues you. Here are some basic tips:

1. Test the waters with some sustained eye contact

I do this all the time, with basically everyone I meet, and people always think it’s just my intimate conversational manner. That doesn’t mean it’s not a fast-track to total giveaway if the eye-contact is returned. Doing this also exudes an alluring sort of confidence that could take them by surprise.

2. Lean in and whisper something

If Point 1 seems to be going well, this is something of a step-up, and this really is a top tip. People go nuts for this. It’s an invitation to get close and it’s not done nearly enough. When in a big group, just think of something like, “I think X and Y really fancy each other”, and without everyone else noticing, lean in and whisper it. For extra points, brush their hair back over their ear, but seriously that is for pros only.

3. “I’m going to get a drink. Ah, damn it. I’ve left my wallet in my room.”

This one comes out of left field because it is effectively the opposite to the cliché of offering to buy a drink. It is a great indicator. If you’ve been chatting to someone for at least a few minutes and they are at all interested, they will see this as a great opportunity. Buying a drink for someone is an age-old signal of romantic intentions and they won’t do it for you if they are worried about giving you the wrong idea.

That said, I only ever tried this twice, and perhaps it didn’t count because I really had left my wallet at home on both occasions.

4. See if you can get them to do work for you

This one is just a bit of fun for when it’s already in the bag. Recently I jokingly asked a girl to make me a muffin out of two halves of different flavours of muffin, and she got up and did it despite my insistence it was just a joke! Amazing. And before I started dating my current girlfriend, I got her to carry a heavy box for me about half a mile across town while I walked alongside her and carried nothing, simply because I told her it was quite heavy. You can do this too.

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So, those are just a few tips. Just remember to up the ante incrementally and give the other person more and more confidence in your interest as well. Make it clear that you won’t shoot them down. Soon enough they’ll be under your thumb and, if you play your cards right, you might even find yourself managing the affections of someone who previously had no idea they even fancied you at all.

Now what? Well from here, one thing should lead to another. Personally I like to string it out for weeks on end until my subject is positively quivering with sexual anticipation, and then do nothing about it. I’ve graduated now, but in my hey-day I had tricked so many people into fancying me I could have sold merchandise. Sure, I broke a few hearts along the way but when I consider the wonders it has done for my confidence, I know it’s been worth it. Four years ago I was a scrawny teenage virgin with a tiny penis. Now I feel like I can achieve anything, although perhaps that’s due to my First Class degree and not the fact I got a load of desperate mingers to fancy me.